Relationships, the most sought after thing, yet for many, including myself can feel illusive, why is that, well here is my learning, until we get healthy with ourselves and weed out negative behaviour patterns and negative conditioning, we simply cannot be healthy with another, this is not to say for one moment, that one ought to take full responsibility for the demise of a relationship in its totality, but an understanding of how you played a part in that demise and what part you played.
You simply cannot expect to make another accountable if they choose not to be aware, or simply acknowledge in communication with you, their part, or even validate any hurt their actions may have fostered.
You see pain, in particular in relationships, I believe are one of our greatest Teachers, and greatest assets to be able to force us to grow and come out of our conditioned comfort zone.
Many will say how the hell can you give advice on relationships when you are not in one? well here is the thing, if you are a person who does reflect and does look in the mirror you can glean a lot from what hasn’t worked, what things you have done, what things you haven’t done and you can take this lessons forward, there is no greater lesson than that what is deemed as failure both from your own inner critic and from an observational view of the lens.
I have come to learn that the reason why the very thing that you may truly desire from your soul and heart eludes you, is because perhaps you have been eluding yourself? quite often the focus on “other” is a mechanism to deflect you from looking at yourself, it is easy to get into a situation whereby it’s always the other persons fault, but that is just proportioning blame, which serves no purpose, that is just a justification to take no responsibility for being part of that journey.
You see my learning is that when you love deeply there can be acts of imbalance in that you give all of yourself, sometimes at times at the expense of “other” when in actual fact, the gift is to learn interdependence, keep a level of individuality and a level of interdependence in equal measure. Having been part of unhealthy relationships, I now get to witness so much earlier on, the red flags of where a situation could become co-dependent, that is not love, that is enabling, that is control, and love is not about control.
Love needs to be given a space to be free, to flourish, to grow, to emerge in its floral design, so that both emerge and grow to their highest and greatest potential. One of the healthiest relationships is where honest, truthful and connected, present communication exists, where there is absolutely no fear or judgement in being able to express your true, honest and authentic self.
The gift of loving unconditionally without expectation is the gift of detachment, for when you get to a place where there is no expectation of an outcome, there is no need, nor desire to “fix” other, but to focus on fixing, YOU, that is the gift of a healthy relationship.
In today’s society there are a great deal of unhealthy relationships, I know this from a wisdom perspective, and knowledge as being part of a group, observation and reading.
Unhealthy relationship patterns can be learnt from an early age, even from the perspective of what appears on the outside, a very healthy relationship to co-dependency and enabling patterns that take place in the home.
When you can get to a place where you can safely allow your souls true authentic self to shine, express itself without fear or judgement, and the same for other, then that right there is a healthy balance.
Love is not control, loves needs space to be able to express its truth, not all flowers and rose tinted glasses all of the time, but the moments of emotions that may not feel very comfortable, when you get to a place where you can connect with someone and you show all facets of your character and personality and there is nothing hidden, and both of you are able to hold each other in those moments by being emotionally present and available, that is a healthy relationship.
If you feel the need to “fix” make excuses, dum down who you are, or suppress your emotions or who you are that is control, that isn’t healthy. The importance of honest communication is also about allowing yourself to vocalise your feelings without fear this helps the relationship grow because you are showing your vulnerability, and it is only when we truly drop our guard, show our vulnerability that we can truly have an honest loving relationship and remember, just because you behave in a particular way, it does not mean expecting other to be the same, because that right there is one of the situations that will set you up for a fall. Most of us do have an expectation of how we perceive things should be, but in the love stakes, usually it turns out to be completely different, that is because we had an expectation.
Love is a gift when it is allowed to grow and flow.
In love & light, Susan. xxx
(c) Susan Lawrence Soul Coaching.